Sun is warm, grass is green.

Thanks karate kid, we like quotes on the interwebs!

Here’s another grass related one for you.

The grass is greener on the other side.

This mentality annoys the crap out of me. We’re all guilty of thinking this way at some point in our lives, so I totally get it and I’m allowed to call some things out about it.

Really… If you’re looking into your neighbors yard (literally or across states or further if you will) and it’s more appealing than where you’re standing, it doesn’t mean go take over their home cause you like it more. It means you should take notes and find out what you need to make your home or lifestyle or laws better.

Your neighbors worked hard for their fruitful land and succeeded. Make friends and learn their ways and you’ll benefit too. You don’t have to crowd onto their land to achieve that.

And you don’t get to call them babies for telling you this, when you’re the ones sucking on their tit instead staying on your own side and figuring things out for yourself as your neighbors have.

Thanks, that was all.

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Weight for it…

Lets go ahead and face it, there is a serious problem. We live in a society that obsesses over weight.

Who weighs too much? Who doesn’t weigh enough?

Everyone wants to criticize each other about it, to the point that we just aren’t satisfied no matter what that scale says.

Wherever you look, you will be told you have to go on a diet. You have to lose weight. You have to be thin to be considered attractive. It’s plastered all over television, newspapers, billboards, magazines, and online. Try if you will, to avoid it, but you can’t miss it.

When you get on google or YouTube, you are going to find an abundance of help and tips on how to diet and lose weight.

But try and look up the opposite. Try and find people who struggle with being underweight. Find someone who accurately represents high metabolism.

I’ll save you the time, I’ve already searched high and low.

You’re mainly going to find results for thin men wanting to bulk up, so body building is what typically pops up.

There is a minuscule scattering of videos of young girls claiming they can’t gain weight. Most of the time, they don’t eat regularly and just binge on junk food once a day and weigh a little over 100 pounds.

That is not a good representation of high metabolism, but for the most part, that is what you’re going to find when you try and look it up.

For anyone who has ever legitimately struggled with high metabolism, you have probably received never ending backlash all your life. There’s little to no support.

You feel like a slave to food. Huge meals all day, and snacks in between. High calorie intake. You still burn all that off, don’t you?

Sometimes you gain a pound or two, most likely water weight on your periods… But get sick once, and bam! Eight to ten pounds, lost in the blink of an eye. Son of a… Now you have to start the stupid cycle all over again!

The whole time, you’ve heard every ignorant comment in the book…

Eat a sandwich, you obviously don’t eat enough!

Are you anorexic?

Bulimic?

No? It must be drugs then. Go to rehab, you have a problem.

I can overlap my fingers around your wrist.

I could put my hands around your waist, and my fingers would probably touch.

At this point, you may have become accustomed to random people grabbing at you just to say these stupid things to you.

Apparently it’s okay to do this to thin people, it should be taken as a compliment so just allow it. Even though that would be forbidden the other way around. It would be rude and unacceptable to walk up to someone, grab them and comment on their thick wrists.

Who does that? What gives you the right to violate someone like that?

You probably also hear:

I’d be afraid to hug you, you might break.

How do have you sex without breaking?

I wish I had your problem, you can eat whatever you want and not gain weight.

Really, the list goes on. I’m sure you can relate to all of that, if you’re in my boat.

So, as an “under-weight” person, what do you hear the most for tips and advice? I can tell you what I was told.

– You need to eat more than everyone else, and make sure everything you ingest has an insane amount of fat and calories.

– You don’t have the same issues with food as the majority of people, so it’s okay to eat anything and everything.

– All the foods people are told to avoid so they don’t get fat… Welcome to the diet for the kid with high metabolism.

– Don’t exercise so you don’t lose weight.

Are anyone’s wheels screeching to a halt yet?

How is that good advice for anyone? That just promotes dangerously unhealthy habits.

That takes ZERO forethought for how this is going to effect you as you grow older.

For one- you may only have high metabolism as a kid, and that’s really temporary.

You’re being trained to not only over eat, but fill your body with junk.

That will catch up to you once your metabolism slows down.

Some of you are like me. You weren’t taught to seek out healthier ways to fuel your body.

You may still be very thin regardless of what you eat.

For me, I’m almost thirty and all those years of bad eating habits are catching up to me. I may still not be gaining weight, but I really felt the negative impact from eating food that is typically bad for anyone.

So that theory everyone has of the magical gift of being able to eat whatever you want without gaining weight… Wrongo!

The underlying problem that we all need to understand, is that no matter what you weigh, it is absolutely dire that we learn to eat what is healthy.

The only thing I’ve ever gained from force feeding myself too much junk food “cause I can” is bad habits that ultimately made me feel like crap.

No matter how much I ate, I had no energy. I always felt fatigued. I was irritable. I was depressed all the time. I didn’t gain weight, but my stomach was bloated every time I ate. I felt either nauseous or had heartburn. I was popping heartburn pills before every meal, and it didn’t always help.

Turns out, my problem wasn’t how much I was eating, it was what I was eating.

This should be common knowledge.

I had to be patient with myself and learn all over again, how I should eat. This time, making the switch to healthier food. And to stop listening to people telling me to eat whatever fattens people up.

It’s a process, that I’m still slowly but surely changing my life and how I feel about myself.

I take a women’s multi-vitamin.

I’m taking a more organic approach to what I eat. If there’s preservatives, chemicals you can’t pronounce, added flavors and colors, high fructose corn syrup or aspartame, etc… Don’t eat it.

The less ingredients (that you can actually recognize) the better.

Personally, I have a texture issue that makes me gag on fruits and raw veggies, unrelated to their actual taste. This is part of the reason I failed so hard at eating healthier as I was growing up.

I never realized that taking them in smoothie form was an option. Let alone that it can be done in a delicious way! So I highly recommend that to get all those nutrients in your system, if you struggle with eating them.

Just these few adjustments in my eating has dramatically changed my life!

I feel better. I have energy. My stress levels have gone down. My skin and hair has improved. My immune system has my back. My self esteem has raised. I finally feel like I can accept the body I have.

My frame remains thinner than average, but that’s just how I’m built. Now that I feel better though, I am more comfortable with my form.

The ignorant remarks from others may never end.

Don’t torture yourself trying to change your weight, because people tell you to. Their opinion is not your truth.

High metabolism does not have to be seen as a problem. It may be a struggle to keep your energy up, but if you focus on fueling that energy with healthy food, you will be fine.

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Optimus Primer

I’m probably just admitting to what an amateur I am, and how slow on the uptake I am as a female trying to stay hip. But I’m just going to throw this out there.

I have finally discovered the amazing world of primer! Holy fucking shit balls! Mind blown! *Signal the explosive sound effects*

As of the last few years, I rarely wear eye makeup. And if you knew me in high school at all, I was an eye shadow wearing, smokey eye rocking nut! As an artist, makeup wasn’t there to hide flaws, it was a creative outlet.

So guess why I stopped. Go ahead, I’ll wait…

Welcome back.

The skin on my eyelids changed, and I didn’t like how makeup looked on them. Something I didn’t expect would happen till (sorry ma) I was closer to my mom’s age. Obviously it is an aging thing, but not just an old lady issue. Sorry I made that assumption, but in my defense, my mom always referred to it as old lady skin, thus why I made that connection in the first place.

Yeah anyway, my eyelids are crepey. So, eye shadow on its own not only goes on all jacked up, but doesn’t stay put. It likes to slide and collect in my creases, and leak sideways into my newly forming laugh lines. So, eye makeup was equal to a not so hot mess, that I figured was now a no go for me.

But then that light bulb over my head turned on. I can’t possibly be the only one dealing with this at my age. I have been watching makeup tutorials on YouTube for something like ten years, and before that, I read Cosmo religiously. So why did it take me so long to give primer a go? It should never have gotten passed me. The only excuse I thought I had, was that it was something I assumed only rich people could afford and that it was probably a waste, when I have more important shit than makeup to worry about.

Four fucking dollars ladies! That’s all it took to change my makeup world! My eye shadow went on smooth like it did in my delightful teen years, that I took advantage of those perfect eyelids I had. It stayed put all day, come sweat or eye waters. Its appearance kept that freshly applied look, with no leakage to speak of.

I don’t know what’s in that tube of magic, but I can vouch that it is a completely amazing game changer! Get ready world, because you are about to be wowed by my makeup applying skill, in the very near future!

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Three years now

Three years ago, my heart shattered into a million pieces.

The one person who taught me the meaning of unconditional love. The one person who always came through for me. The one person who showed me how much faith they had in me. The one person who touched more lives than I can count. When I didn’t believe in myself, anyone around me, or in any form of god… She believed in me.

I always wanted to make her proud of me. Any good news I had, she was the first one I had to tell. No matter what was going on in my life, I had someone I could turn to. I knew what I had and no one could be more grateful than I was.

I had someone to look up to. I didn’t admire or strive to be like celebrities. I didn’t covet the lives my friends or acquaintances had. I admire my grandma. Not just for what she did, but for who she was. She cared. She empathized. She inspired creativity. And made fantastic cookies. Yeah I had the kind of grandma everyone wishes they had.

Her mother lived to be 103… I assumed I’d have her around a little longer than we did.

Don’t ever assume you’ll have plenty of time.

Although I came to terms with how she left the world. She turned 84 on the epic birthday of 10/10/10. She was still able to get around on her own. Was still driving. She was in the best shape of her life. She pimped joy everywhere she went. Everyone loved her.

And one day she got sick out of the blue, infection spread quick and she was gone in a couple days. It wasn’t comfortable I’m sure, but it took her quickly. She was surrounded by family. I wouldn’t mind death taking me quickly like that, hopefully when I’m older. And also hopefully not in a hospital. I don’t do hospitals or nursings homes. Those places give me the most anxiety.

I made peace with my relationship with her. We did it right. We were there for each other. We talked all the time and spent a lot of time together. We were very close and I wouldn’t change or give that up for the world. The only thing I regret are the milestones that have yet to take place in my future that she won’t get to be there for. I like to think she’s watching out as a higher being. She won’t be at my wedding. Won’t get to hold my baby if I have one, and spoil them with delicious treats and kisses. That’s the kind of things that tear my heart to shreds.

I try not to think of those things too much cause it changes nothing and puts my heart through undue grief that I know she would never allow me to do if she had any say in the matter.

The one thing that has eased my pain in losing her, is believing the undeniable fact that her energy remains with me. I could feel her love. I know she’s been keeping me safe. And I’ve been praying to her instead of some god I wasn’t even entirely convinced existed. I know she loves me. When I pray to her, I have faith that she listens and helps me out. If nothing more than guiding me in the right direction, she’s always been good at that.

It’s not just the fact that the anniversary of her death has approached… But as of late, I haven’t been feeling her presence. It isn’t as strong, and that scares me. I tried to wear her jewelry to have her close to me, but the clasp on the bracelet wouldn’t stay closed and it kept falling off. I had to put it in my pocket. Then her earring fell apart shortly after. I fixed it… But it makes me wonder if she’s asking me to let her go.

I don’t think I can do that. I don’t want to. I don’t mean to rely on her so much, but I need to hold onto her to know that everything is going to be ok. If I lose her completely, I know I’ll fall apart. I can’t take that feeling again.

So Granny, please don’t leave me. I will always want you to be part of my life. I don’t want it to just be in memories. I love that I had a sense of you never really leaving me, I couldn’t bear to lose that too.

Confrontation

Personally, I hate confronting people. I imagine many do, unless you’re someone who argues for thrills.

As for me? I get freezing cold sweat, headaches, and left irritated more than anything else. No matter how right I may be.

Why? Because it’s between a rock in a hard place.

If you don’t speak up for yourself, people will walk all over you and it will never change.

If you confront someone, whether that be combatively; or peacefully within reason, leaving an opening for negotiation… You still have no control over their response.

Either way, you can still be shot down, ignored, and right in the same place you started on the matter.

There’s that slim chance that someone will respond well and considerately adjust how they treat you. New found respect, maybe… Who knows?

More often than not, you deal with people that just plain don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves, assuming they even care about themselves.

I’m far from perfect, I don’t strive to be. But if my actions directly effect those around me, I do my best to be considerate. Though I respect this about myself, others tend to think they can take advantage.

Disheartening as it may be at times, I won’t let it harden my spirit. I will continue to be considerate. And I will continue to show respect.

I am not wrong, or by any means weak for doing so. Others may not care, but it’s important to me that I do continue to care.

I don’t confront to argue. I don’t do it to make them see or do things my way. I do it to speak my peace.

If I don’t, I’ll end up blowing my top. It’s healthier to direct my feelings where they came from.

My words don’t have to be agreed with, or even respected. They just need to be said. As long as I allow myself to speak on my behalf, I’m given the chance to respect myself.

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Value?

What makes someone a person of value?

Money. That’s what society tells us. And apparently that’s what everyone seems to think. That’s the impression I’ve been getting from just about anyone I talk to. And even if they don’t say it, the way they treat me tells me the same.

Honestly, I haven’t changed much. Other than I speak my mind more and fall for less crap, and respect myself. Not to write those off as small things, they’re not the point I’m trying to make here.

What I’m trying to say is, as far as how I spend my time, not too much has changed. I still spend a lot of time cleaning houses. The only difference is I clean more houses and I actually get paid to do it. Even though I’ve been expected to clean up after everyone, no matter where I went… Only now do I not only get thanked profusely and appreciated, people pay me to do it.

I’ve been busting this much ass most of my life, and my hard work went unnoticed until I left. I had zero appreciation from anyone I quietly broke my back for, until they no longer had all the help. They took advantage of all that I did and left me feeling like I still owed them. Now that I’m gone, they miss what I did for them for free, just to make their lives easier on them.

I continue to put in hours upon hours of my time to help upkeep homes for people who value those who work hard, and actually treat them like a human being with the same goal as them. To earn a living and trying to make a life for themselves and their loved ones. They know the attention I put into details, they know I’m thorough, I’m paid by the hour but I go as quickly and efficiently as I can. I’m there to get my work done and I don’t fuck around and play on my phone while I do it. And guess what? I’m respected.

Now that I’m paid, people who didn’t realize I’m not actually lazy, and those who took advantage of my need for having things clean… All of a sudden they think I’m a big deal. Whaaaat?

So, when I helped people keep their homes clean, out of the kindness of my heart, so they could be at ease… I had no value as a human being? Because I brought relief at no cost whatsoever to them, I didn’t deserve any kind of respect? Oh but call it a “job” and now everyone is impressed by it. Or is it cause my harder labor I put in gets paid a little more than they do now… How could someone so undeserving make any more than they do?

Fuck that. And if that’s how they actually feel, screw them.

I’m grateful to help people who actually value me and what I do for them. It’s not my dream job or anything, but it gives me the chance afford to do what I want, or if nothing else, afford what I need in the moment. It’s a good feeling to finally be acknowledged as a person who is at least trying.

In the end my idea of what makes someone a person of value is different than what society thinks. I value people who have passion and put in the efforts to make them into a reality. And I value those who appreciate others and treat each other with the respect they deserve. We’re all living beings trying to find our path in this world. It’s not about the money at all. The impact you leave will last much longer.

If I can see a little more compassion in the world, I’ll feel at ease with the hope for humanity.

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Just let me live

It took me some time to figure it out, but I’ve learned that even though not everyone will be pleased about the decisions I make… It’s up to me, not them. I no longer aim to please anyone.

My life is not a communal dry erase board, conveniently placed for just anyone to scribble their delusional ideas and passed up opportunities all over. I’ve traded it in for my very own canvas that only I can paint my dreams upon.

I’m in love with this beautiful life of quirky imperfection!

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